TEG-BlueThey explain what they did and acknowledge how it affected you.
Do They Take Responsibility When They Apologise?
Compare what they acknowledge, how they respond to the person affected and what they do after the apology.
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Taking responsibility
They acknowledge what they did, listen to the person affected and take steps to address the harm.
Responsibility remains incomplete
They apologise, but leave unclear what they are responsible for, what remains unresolved or what they will do about it.
Pressure to drop the issue
They use the apology to insist on forgiveness, demand reassurance or refuse further discussion of the harm.
Apologising and repairing the harm
An apology
An apology can acknowledge what happened and express regret.
Repair
Repair involves addressing the consequences and changing the behaviour that caused the harm. That might mean correcting false information, replacing something damaged or keeping an agreement.
Using this tool
This tool looks at what the person acknowledges, how they respond to you and what they do afterward.
Think about situations you have observed with the same person. Where responses vary, choose the closest description or leave the row without a selection. You do not need to seek another interaction to answer.
Which description fits best?
Choose what you have observed in each situation. If none fits, or you have not seen it happen, leave the row without a selection.
Select a title to choose an answer; select it again to clear it. Use “Read explanations” to open all three explanations for a question.
0 of 7 answered
Taking responsibility
Responsibility remains incomplete
Pressure to drop the issue
When you ask what they are apologising for
They say “sorry about everything” or explain why it happened, but leave unclear what they are taking responsibility for.
They say they have already apologised and insist that you stop asking about what happened.
When you explain how it affected you
They let you describe how their actions affected you, ask about what they have not understood and respond to what you said.
They explain their own circumstances again, but do not address the effect you have described. That part of the conversation remains unresolved.
They call you too sensitive or ungrateful and insist that you withdraw your complaint because they have apologised.
When they explain what they intended
They explain what they meant to do while acknowledging that their action had a different effect and still needs to be addressed.
They say they did not mean to hurt you, but do not address what happened or what they could do about it.
They insist that because they meant well, you have no right to object and they have nothing to change.
When they talk about their own distress
They talk about feeling upset or guilty, but also address what happened to you. If they need a pause, they return to the conversation without making you responsible for comforting them.
They repeatedly say how terrible they feel or seek reassurance. By the end of the conversation, your experience and the repair remain unaddressed.
They insist that you reassure or forgive them before they will discuss the harm, or blame you for their distress when you do not.
When you need time before responding
They accept that you are not ready to respond, forgive or resume contact. They respect the time or distance you ask for.
They repeatedly ask whether things are okay before you have had time to respond. Your request for time remains unresolved.
They demand that you accept the apology now and threaten consequences or punish you if you do not.
When they also have a complaint
They take responsibility for their own actions and discuss their complaint separately. They do not make addressing your concern depend on you apologising first.
They bring up what you did, and the conversation moves to that issue before their own actions have been addressed. Their responsibility remains unresolved.
They refuse to address their actions unless you apologise first, or say that what you did means they owed you no apology.
What they do after the apology
They take the steps they agreed to repair the harm or change their behaviour. If a problem recurs, they acknowledge it and address what still needs to change.
They promise to change, but the agreed steps remain undone after there has been time to take them.
The same behaviour continues. When you raise it, they refuse to discuss it because they have already apologised.
Rows without a selected answer do not count as evidence.
Understanding the comparison
An apology does not settle every question
The descriptions help you examine responsibility and repair. They do not decide whether you should forgive, trust or stay in a relationship.
Repair does not require reconciliation
A person can return what they took, correct misinformation or change their behaviour without renewed closeness. You can acknowledge those actions and still choose distance. Forgiveness and further contact remain your decisions.
Needing time is different from refusing responsibility
Someone may struggle to find words, become upset or need a pause. Look at what they actually do when the conversation resumes. If you have not seen that yet, the outcome remains unknown.
Different accounts do not require equal blame
People may disagree about part of what happened or each have a complaint. Each person remains responsible for their own actions. Repair does not require pretending that both caused the same harm.
Quick answers
What is the difference between an apology and repair?
An apology can acknowledge harm and express regret. Repair involves addressing the consequences and changing the behaviour that caused them. Saying sorry does not establish that those actions have happened.
Can this tool tell whether someone is genuinely sorry?
No. It compares what someone says and does, including how they respond to questions and what happens afterward. It cannot establish private remorse or predict future behaviour.
What if the person becomes upset or needs a pause?
Distress, difficulty speaking or needing time does not by itself show avoidance or control. Notice what actually happens when the conversation resumes. Repeated self-blame can leave the harm unaddressed; demanding comfort before discussing it adds a condition. If you have not observed what follows, mark that situation as unknown.
What if we disagree about what happened or both have a complaint?
You do not have to agree on every detail. Each person can explain their account and address their own actions. Having two complaints does not mean both people caused equal harm, and one apology need not be conditional on the other.
What if it is too early to know whether anything changed?
Mark the follow-through situation as not observed or unclear. The result keeps that uncertainty separate from the other answers. Listening during an apology does not prove that behaviour changed afterward.
Do I have to forgive or resume contact after an apology?
No. Repair can include returning something, correcting misinformation or changing behaviour without reconciliation. You can recognise those actions and still choose distance. An apology does not entitle someone to forgiveness, reassurance or another conversation.